World Behind My Wall part 3 wow, i have never written anything more than provocative....

"I'm glad you came today Marissa."










I squeezed his hand a little tighter. Sighing lightly I moved from from my damp patch of yellow-green grass rolling over. The muscles in his stomach clenched for a moment, not expecting my head and arm around it. They relaxed and he pulled his arms around my back and held me close breathing deeply.










"Me too."










I couldn't help but smile. Bill hadn't seemed such a romantic that I've found he was. He had called just yesterday when I was about to give up on him --though my day dreams weren't as willing --telling me to meet him in the park. I strategically planned out a nice outfit making me look amazing if I do say so myself. I walked through the park a bit, without finding him. But a classic red picnic blanket caught my eye. I spun around to my right and there he was. Setting up plates and pulling a plethera of food from a basket. Far too much food for soley two people. He gave me a nervous smile. I waved to him in reply and made my way over to him. I couldn't help but wonder how many american ramnces he had to watch before coming up with this idea. It was truly the most sappy date I'd ever been on. And I..... Loved it. Truly such a nice change from all these football players trying to play me. This was different. This was sincere. Like he said to me, "Ich leibe dies." (I love this). Well, that just makes one more thing that we had in common. Eventually I fell back into the field looking up and watching the clouds float by. I was stuffed from too many servings of cheese and crackers. He lie down next to me doing the sane AND appreciating it. We chatted dreamily about our favourite bands and about how his brother and he had started a band. They hoped to go on tour someday. I hadn't exactly decided that I wanted to be a musician but I had decided that if life boiled down to my simple desire for singing I would love to tour.









"Well, um if you like music, maybe you could come to our band practice this friday?"









Well, that sounds really fun of course. Just I don't know if I could get away with that one. I mean I'm not even supposed to be here with you right now remember?"



















See, when I told my parents my plans with Mr. Bill Kaulitz I got a lifeling lecture about things that were suitable for me. Like I had expected, they were not thirlled that I had a date with a German waiter. Steafene created the genious plan. I was staying the night at her house tonight. Her mom was in favour of my date so she confirmed our "plans" to my mom. The past two days all taht I've really learned is that the people I surround myself with watch far too many movies. I looked over at Bill. His lips, eyes and eyebrows were composed into the most pitiful puppy-dog face I'd ever seen.









"Pwease?"









"Haha! awh!" I rolled so that my body lay half over his and hugged him tightly.









"Turn that frown upside down mister! be happy Bill.... please? I'll try and come to your band practice I promiss!"









He just chuckled and hugged me back.









"I know I've said this about 20 times, but I am really glad you came today Marissa." He didn't loosen hsi grip.









"Me too." Pure butterflies. I had absolutly fallen for him. And fast.



















--------------------------









*Later that night*



















"Tell me all about it!!!" She screeched full volume in my face throwing the door open and pulling my arm visciously towards he room. She ran and jumped on her bed pulling me down next to her, eyes wide with anticipation.









"Steaf, calm down will you please?"









"I can't calm down! You went on a date with a very attractive German boy!"









I almost fell over. Everytime I thought about my far too perfectrandezevous I felt faint. It didn't even feel real to me.









"Did I?" Wow, I was dazed.









"uh, yeah you did... But what you haven't yet done is tell me what happened on your date with the attractive German boy!" She was frustrated with my dizzyness but also amused at teh same time.









"Bill, you mean..."









"Yeah, that's waht I said, RISSA! Tell me what happened!!!"









"Girl... Fill in the blanks. It was a date. What happens on dates? We had food, and we talked. That's it." I smiled at her knowingly. I wasn't going to give in. She just sighed and sat next to me claiming defeat for now.









"Fine. If you're not going to tell me now, then I'll get it out of you later..."









I laughed at ehr threat unphased because I knew there was no real bitterness in her about it.









We spent the rest of the night talking about boys and watching movies. Go traditionals sleepovers!









"Now, that's the kind of boy I want to marry right there!" She said pointing at the male character on teh screen wooing Mandy Moore.









"I can see why he likes this movie" I said mockingly towards her. There was a new student in our school whom she had a bit of a crush on named Bill. (Ironic I know.) But she somehow weasled it out of him that "A Walk to Remeber" is his favourite movie. I kept trying to encourage that she ask him out because then we could double date or something. The thought made me smile. I got butterflies once more that day.









"You need to ask him out Steaf. Please? It'd be good for you..."









"I just don't think I can... After Erik... Well you know. I'm having trouble trusting many other people. Especially boys that make me feel so... infatuated."









"I know, but just because one boy lied to you don't hold it against another that could make you happy." I wanted so badly for her to forget about him. Erik was a friend of mine that I introduced to her. He was so perfect at first, especially for her. But then they became drinkers together. He wasn't the nicest person and he even cheated on her. But they were both drinking so heavily to self medicate it made the whole thing so much worse. Now I don't talk to him hardly ever and I'm still trying to get her to stop drinking. A few tears started to fall down her face. I hated how he still affected our lives like this. A fun evening turned dark once again.









"I'll go kick his ass again Steaf it'll be fine."





























----------------------









*Weeks later*



















"I'm sorry. I don't know how this happened." Bill said apologetically looking around at the large mass of people crammed into his house. Somehow one of the guys called some of his friends to come out after their practice and things just kinda got out of hand. Steaf was there but I had no idea where she was.









Bill noticed I was acting kinda frantic. Half listening to what he was saying. I'd become such a mother to that girl I swear.









"You can stop looking around for her. I'm sure she's fine. It's a party, loosen up a bit."









"Yeah, I guess your right."









"Why wouldn't I be? Aren't I always right?"









"Oh really? Ok mister smarty pants. What am I thinking about right now?"









"You have to concentrate on it really hard, and I'll get it." I closed my eyes and focused really hard on about ten different things at once. Just to throw him off in the off chance that he could truly read my mind. I felt the heat of his breath on my face for a split second before his lips were touching mine ever so softly. I couldn't help but smile. He really could read my mind. I felt his arms slide around my back and pulle me in tightly. It wasn't enough. I slid my tounge towards his without a complaint from him. Within seconds everything progressed intensly. I didn't realize how heavy our breathing was until a sound sadly interrupted us.









"Ahem..." It was Bill's brother Tom standing akwardly not knowing what to do half looking away.









"Tom, not... not cool. What is it?" Bill said rather impatiently unwraping his arms leaving me chilled and quite light headed. He turned to his side and put his arm around my waist.








"Well, I just thougth that you should know... your friend is leaving with some guy. She seemed pretty trashed."








"Fuck really?" Bill and I ran outside just intime to see Her get in the passenger side of a car and drive off.








"Fuck! Tom. Did you see who it was?"








"No, sorry I coudln't see his face and I didn't recognize him from anywhere."








"Hey, I can take you home early and you can go to her house to wait for her. Maybe she just got tired and got a ride home." Bill offered trying to calm me down.








"Yeah, lets hope at least..." Bill was nice enough to drive me to Steafene's house, my second home so that I could check up on her or at least wait for her to get home safe. She wasn't there so I just let myself in. Normally Bill would have just driven home like a gentlemen but he apparently really needed to "use the little boys room". I went up to Steaf's room and sat on her bed and tried calling her phone a few times. But she never picked up so I left her a voicmail so that she wouldn't be alarmed to see me at her house.

I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder and sit next to me. I shifted adjusting to the new state of the bed with fresh weight on it. I turned and Bill was smiling sweetly at me. I returned the gesture. I was overwhelmer with how overly cute my boyfriend was that I couldn't help but kiss him. He was teasing me like a bitch. He chuckled at my frustration.

"You asshole!" I said jokingly and pushed him. "I will win this..." I tackled him to the bed forcing my mouth on his. I cycled my kissing from his mouth, to his jaw, to his neck. I could feel myself starting to lose control quickly. I'd wanted him for a while now and he was my boyfriend I should be able to be physical just for one night right? I leaned up and ripped my shirt off and crashed back down to him.

"Woah, babe..."

I cleared my throat and spoke directly into his ear, "Yes?" I went back to my trail of kisses on his skin.

"Well, um, don't you want to think about this for a second? You don't think you're moving things too fast? I thought girls were usually pretty reserved about this sort of thing...."

"What's there to think about? I want you, I know you want me..."

"Yeah, but it's been-"

"Will you stop talking?" And he did. He also stopped resisting and let his body do all the talking. Our mouths were lost in each others'. He ran his fingers through my hair and down my back feeling the contuers and heat. The remaining cloathes carefully peeled off of our bodies. When he realized that this was really happening his aggressive nature showed through with no regrets. He lifted me up and tossed me to the opposite side of the bed and climbed on top of me. He grabbed my waist tightly and forced his way through without hesitating. Instant euphoria. His fingers traced my skin as he rocked back and forth making me whimper quietly. He leaned down and held me tighter pushing deeper. I could feel him bite my neck gently, the vibrations of his moaning reverberated off my chest. I tried to hold in my moans incase someone happened to be in the hosue but couldn't control it. His rythm was making me go crazy. His silky black hair was moving back and forth like a fan from my heavy breathing.

"Bill... oh yes!" He pushed through deeper.

"Marissa." He said sweetly into my ear. He pushed in harder. The blood rushed away from my head quickly and the pleasure intensified. He groaned thrusting as fast as his body would allow him. I peaked screaming and dug my nails into his back, shuttering. It was absolutly insane.

He pulled out and fell back trying to catch his breath and pulled his hair back out of his eyes. He looked at me and smiled.

"Today couldn't have gotten any better."

"No. It really couldn't have."

----------------------------

*The next morning*

The sound of the squeaky door handle woke me up early. The sun was in my eyes and the shadow of someone in the way of the yellow rays headed towards my face caught my attention.

"In my bed?!?! REALLY?!" She screeched angrily. Bill woke gasping and I popped my eyes open. Steafene was standing at the foot of the bed with her red hair tossed messily in her face but somehow it still looked good. She looked exhausted with bags under her eyes which were all red. It looked like she had been crying a good portion of the night. There was a brunette boy standing in the doorway holding her heels not knowing what to do with himself. He looked like he was about to flee from the akward situation at any second.

"Wait, you went with Bill last night? That's who you left with from the party?!" I finally recognized him from our English class 6th period as the boy she had a crush on.

"I went with Bill last night?! You and Bill fucked last night in my bed!" She crossed her arms and was glaring at the two of us disgusted but there was a hint of pride in there for me.

"Um... I was at my house last night." William said in almost a whisper. He looked like he wished he hadn't spoken after he did.

"Name's Bill... Hey." Bill said to William to clear his confusion after Steafene and I said nothing.

"Oh. Ok... well Steaf, if you don't mind. I'm gonna go wait on the couch since this doesn't really involve, me." He backed out of the door not waiting for a reply of approval from anyone. He was probably so glad to leave. If I wasn't but ass naked I would've followed him out there.

"I can't belive you... Why are you even here?"

"Well... If you must know your drunken ass went off last night to whore about with some boy you just met and I was worried so I came back here an-"

"And had sex in my bed... You're missing the point. You know I'm a germaphobe! I can barely fuck in my bed comftorably!"

"Steaf, I really am sorry things just happened. But maybe if you stopped drinking this shit wouldn't happen."

"Listen, you don't even know what happened last night. I didn't "whore about" with William. He's a nice guy who actually wanted to make sure I was safe for once. He's one person I know who didn't take advantage of a crying girl who was completely wasted because she's fucking miserable must I add? Just... Get dressed and get out. Now I need to clean before I can even go to bed which I desperately need. Thank you for that." She just pointed at the door and stared at us hard.

"Fine. Were gone. Sorry." Finally Bill spoke up looking for some sort of closure. She stormed out of the room muttering what sounded like a list of cleaning supplies to herself. We composed ourselved enough to be presented in public and headed downstairs feeling guilty. She was just sitting on the couch flipping through the tv channels angrily barely even looking at what was on. William was sitting on the another couch a few feet away from her looking scared still. He caught my eye than quickly looked away.

"Bye Rissa. I love you, but don't call me for a while." I didn't reply. "Bye!"

All I could do was walk out the door and hope that she calmed down. It was a very long drive home.

World behind my wall part 2.

The walk home from the restaurant was awful, but it was absolutely relieving to be back home. I took a very hot shower to relax a bit and wash off the strong smell of cologne. Truly, I was just glad that I was home, and safe. No thanks to my "courteous" date of the night. My dad pretty much just assumed that the reason tonight was such a disaster was something that I did wrong and he probably wasn't such a terrible boy, but again he was off just a few facts. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes carefully traced every contour of my face. I was so proud of my beautiful mocha brown skin. It's one of the many things that separated me from the tiny world of Barrington I lived in. So peculiar, such a quiet "respected" neighborhood being the suburb of Chicago. Which, as we all know is a larger city and simply just not... quaint. Chicago produced criminals of all variety, fashion designers, artists and.... of course musicians. But what the well off suburbs of Chicago produced were awkward families. These families grew up to produce awkward sons and daughters as well as awkward girls named Marissa. Helloooo life. I changed into some rather comfortable boxer shorts and a tank top to match and hopped into my twin bed. It was a long process as always moving the plethora of stuffed teddy bears and pillows off of my mattress and onto my floor. My parents attempted to spoil me. Just another result of being an only child. One, perfect, planned, daughter... I sighed and closed my eyes ready to escape the day. I was fed up with putting up with... well everything. Just because I came from a privileged home, doesn't mean I don't suffer as much as any. Money had softened my spirit as well as my coping and communication skills. I tried to push the negative thoughts away and happily drifted to sleep. Far too peaceful in the unconscious state.

The next morning, I awoke to vicious thunder gashing my eardrums wide open. I gasped and sat up startled and then scoffed looking out my window, angry that I lost sleep over some common force of nature. I turned and fell back onto my pillow and mattress, bouncing from the force of my enthusiasm to fall back asleep. I had just fully settled into my pillow, thinking about whatever pleasant fictional thoughts would come when they were terribly disrupted.
"Marissa, Breakfast is ready sweetie."
Always so bubbly and excited easily. This was my mother's voice floating up the steps to my room. I opened my door. Five steps right, 22 steps down, 7 steps left and then straight ten steps to my seat at the family dining table. My mother was busy away in the kitchen finishing up her light and fluffy pancakes. There was already a porcelain white plate in front of me when I sat down. Steaming scrambled eggs, Bacon and biscuits with gravy patiently waiting for my mouth to savour their tenderness. My mouth was just as eager. It'd been almost a day since I'd eaten. I looked across the table at my father, eyebrows furrowed, buried in that mornings paper. My mother hurried over with the pan of pancakes. Her heals were clicking as she made her way over.
"Good Morning." She smiled at me exuberantly with her radiant white teeth. She already had a fresh coat of burgundy lipstick, mascara and tan eye shadow on. She was wearing a billowing black dress and pears. Her wedding ring glistened in the kitchen light. I glanced over at the clock on the oven.... It was just past 8 in the morning. My family was a football player away from being rather picture perfect. Absolutely disgusting.
"Morning." I replied rather half hearted. She hugged me, almost burning me with the frying pan. She served everyone pancakes and then sat down. She attempted to make some conversation but truly lost my participation when the subject of last night came up. She was the only one who really made an attempt to fix what was really left of the contents of our abode. She usually lost but it was just more natural this way. She gave up for today after my stand-offish responses made her retreat to making conversation about the economy with my father. As if their wallets were affected at all. Ugh. I just couldn't take anymore so I got up to leave but my father stopped me.
"And just where do you think you're going little lady?"
"I was going to go to my room."
"Well, unfortunately you are grounded."
WHAT?! Grounded, what'd I do?"
"You were late for curfew last night. Don't think I forgot. And your mother and I were going out into the town today, but we don't want to leave you here alone so you're coming with us."
"But, I was only late because the date you set me up with last night was a total cretin! I shouldn't even be grounded in the first place. Plus it's storming outside, I just wanna go back to bed. I'm not going to get into much trouble when I'm asleep."
"Nice try, but you're going. Now go upstairs and get ready. We're leaving soon."

They won. All the perfect logic, and expressing in the world I could do, did nothing to convince them of my innocence. So here I was, walking through aisles of fabric stores, nick knacks, frilly dresses, and of course.... beloved stores for the rich folks to better their interiors. Wonderful. Minutes slowly turned to hours and just when I thought they'd never tire of looking at the same old brocade patters and debating about weather the couches were made of real or fake leather, my mother voiced that she had once more grown hungry. The three of us piled into our car and went on the hunt for a restaurant. I stared out of the window, putting my body somewhere else than this re-upholstered nightmare. Too bad my phone was taken from me, or maybe I'd be able to secretly text my friends from the backseat without my parents caring too much about how there I really was. The car turned a few times and then came to a stop as did the quiet chatter between my parents. I looked up and my heart stopped. We were at the exact same restaurant that I was at last night. I sighed and unlatched my seat belt and hopped out of the car trudging along beside my mother.
"Are you doing alright? I hope last night wasn't as bad as it looked."
"Dad, I already told you... I don't have a problem with the world, it's the world that has a problem with me."
"What?" came my fathers voice from across the table.
I looked up at his extremely confused face.
"So did it turn out better?" I turned and looked to see the same waiter from last night with the scribbled name that read "Bill". Perhaps it was the atmosphere of last night but I truly didn't' realize how beautiful he was. And he had some kind of subtle accent.
"Um. I... yeah." Making a fool of myself. I wish I could just never come to conclusions. "After I got home everything seemed to relax a ton."
"I'm glad. I like happy endings and I guess that was yours." He gave me a sincere smile then turned to face my parents.
"My name is Bill, and I will be your server tonight. Is there anything I can get for you folks to start off with?"
Throughout the rest of the sit down I spent my time not focusing on my food but looking out of the corner of my eye looking for bill. For some reason my hungry eyes couldn't get a good enough look at him. He didn't return for quite sometime so I figured that I could risk a quick trip to the bathroom. I bumped unexpectedly into something on my way out of the bathroom doorway.
"Oh excuse me, I'm not that good at evasive action to objects that appear out of nowhere." Another cute crooked smile.
"That's alright, it was my fault anyway." I tried to laugh as casually as possible.
"You know, you really shouldn't be in relationships with people who abandon you so readily. I feel rude prying but... it just seems I should."
"Well, thanks for the concern but I'm not stupid enough to be dating that prick!."
"Is this an insulting word? You'll have to excuse some of my ignorant questions, I'm not from around here exactly."
"Oh yeah, it's not exactly a nice word to call someone, but he fits the description rather well. Where are you from exactly? I noticed you had an accent. I'm not trying to be rude or anything. I'm just fascinated by speech."
"Well, my family is from Germany actually. But I'm doing a student exchange program right now with my twin brother."
"Ah very cool. That sounds very interesting. My friends is pretty good at German, I bet you two would get along."
"Well, actually. I don't know how boys act in America --though hopefully not like the guy you were with last night-- but, I think I'd like to get to know you better. That is if you are compliant. I guess... I'm asking for your number?"
He asked very shyly, saying the last few words like a true question. I stopped and stared for a few moments before I realized what was happening.
"Oh! yeah, just my dad took my phone away but I'll have back in a few days anyway."
I said it much more confidently than I thought it would've been. We exchanged numbers quickly, having forgotten about how long I'd been "in the bathroom".
"Schonen. Danke! oh oops. German sorry..." he looked rather apologetic.
"haha, it's ok. Bitte, right?"
"Ja, sehr gut...."
"Marissa. I'll see you around Bill. Tschus!


God I loved Steafene for her German lessons right now.



That night, I dreamed that I traveled to Germany with Steafene. There were two buildings on a platform, both extremely inviting. Steafene was there telling me that we could only choose one ancient castle to roam. In the doorway of the one on the right was Bill. He looked ravishing, like he was from another time all together. I started to walk towards him, craving that rushing heartbeat he gave me. But out of the corner of my eye, something about the grandeur of the castle on the left spoke to me. I stood in the middle of the two buildings, not knowing what to do. Steafene shook her head in disapproval of my inability to make a decision and turned. As she walked away from me down the cobblestone, I started to spin. My head felt heavy as gravity pulled upward and then the blackness hit before the poorly paved road did. And then I fell up, into consciousness.

World behind my wall part one.

"Sie war meine Freundin Tom." "Ich liebe sie, ist es nicht deine Job, um mich, Ihren Bruder zu respektieren?!?!" ("She was my girlfriend Tom." "I love her. Is it not your job to respect me, your brother?")

Everything, absolutely everything was boiling down to this one moment in my long-lived life at such a young age of 16. This one decision that could make me so happy turned out to be the hardest thing I had experienced. I thought it would've been so easy in the beginning and I wouldn't have had to think twice about it, but now my thoughts were at an official stand still. I look back and forth between their two faces. Their expressions told me that I hadn't long to defeat the impossible and just answer them. The source of all my troubles were of course like almost every other story out there... love. Such an intense and twisted love in fact that it was too much for one person to handle. It spilled over and entwined not two but three hearts as if our emotions were in a monsoon season. It was just like a midsummer night's dream, although there was nothing funny about our situation and there were no beautiful faeries to lust after. Sometimes I like to think about if Shakespeare knew that he was a psychic. See there's an obvious issue with being in love with two men when they love you back... There's TWO of them. It's completely unfair no matter how often one may have butchered his chances for full attention. The worst part of this unsettling love triangle is the fact that I loved two brothers, quite identical. Twins in fact, but they were two totally different people all together. I want you to understand why all this is happening, but you need to bear with me if you're willing to know the whole story. Before calling me a whore, or a slut or whatever it might be, just understand where this is all coming from. It won't be a simple thing to explain but, it might at least be interesting. If I could just remember where all of this started.

7 months prior.

I honestly think I can say this is the single worse outing I've ever experienced in the short time I've even had a love life. I stared at my date from across the wood bench that served as a table. I assumed that the glossy finish over the oak that used to be a tree was supposed to look well nice. Though, it made for uncomfortable seating with the roughly sanded knots and an unevenness that gave one the illusion of sliding out of their chair onto the dirty ground with peanut shells ground into the carpet by traffic of waiters. I couldn't hear him talking. Well I couldn't hear the words that he was saying. It was more of a low subtle humming in my ears that perfectly matched his lip movement that were a split second away from turning into a blur. I was sure he hadn't much more important to say since the most friendly he got tonight was in his car when he decided we didn't really need to go see a movie. He lost that one quickly. But here I am stuck with him to please my father who thought he'd be suitable for a upper-class teenager like myself. Dead wrong. My chicken salad sat in front of me untouched. The creamy french dressing in a small plastic container on the side just as sound as any of it's partners on the oval dim pearl coloured plate. I figured since he suggested I be an acceptable girl and order a salad instead of the steak that I was eyeing I might as well not eat and please him extra since that was "my goal of the night" so to speak. Besides the nausea in my gut was persistent tonight and I didn't feel like coaxing it into progressing to something far worse and more embarrassing. I shouldn't have expected much else of my father. He was a privileged white,--well he was white before he layed out in the "sun" for what looked like hours on end and turned into beef jerky.
Spiky yellow and clearly bleached unnatural hair, messily gelled into inch long spikes. Disgustingly perfect white teeth and equally disturbing body build. I was just wondering how many hours he spent in the gym trying to burst out of his pink polo that looked so tight he might have owned it from such a young age as when I learned to ride a bike without training wheels when something triggered my consciousness.
"So it turns out, I had something called mono sudo's avenge..."
"You mean Montezuma's revenge?" I didn't mean to speak but my subconscious bid me speak. I had studied the horrible European invasion for my last term paper. Infatuated with the irony in this disease. He took a bear of a bite out of his burger, and didn't bother to hardly even chew his food before he spoke next.
"Um, I'm pretty sure that's what I said... Anyway...." More humming. I sighed and let him continue his pointless rant. Just about another 20 minutes of this and I'd be back home. Comfortable and telling my few friends what a terrible experience this memory to be was. I wasn't exactly watching when it happened but I assumed he threw his burger onto his plate so vigorously that it shook the table. But all I know was that my coca-cola had toppled over and the thick stream was careening toward the edge and then spilled directly onto my unsuspecting lap. I flung myself away from the table and stood up as quickly as I possible could rather flabbergasted. He just chuckled a little, more than half a bite still lingered in his mouth. I tried brushing of the liquid as best as possible.
"HAHAH, you look ridiculous!"
"I bet you'd look ridiculous if I took what's left of your drink and..." I couldn't' help but mutter to myself.
"Hey, you should be thankful! I took you to a wonderful movie and a romantic restaurant, and I haven't gotten anything in return all night long except having to keep a conversation going with you. How about some appreciation girly?!"
"G-GIRLY!?! Listen here and listen good. Although you may not care, nice, respectable girls who still have a shred of humanity do not put out when just meeting a guy after the first five minutes of being together. Not even after, a horrible movie I had to buy a ticket to and some "romantic" restaurant outing. Being a girl who also respects herself I am NOT going home with you tonight but will in fact be taken home by curfew if you don't mind."
"Well, if that's really how you feel. Then I guess I'll be on my way...."
"What do you mean? You still have yet to drive me home... It's extremely ruthless to deny your date a ride back home. My father will be livid!"
"Well perhaps.... it's rude not to give thanks to such a nice guy such as myself."
And at that he walked away angrily. He drove off before I really even had a chance to absorb how upset I really was. I can't beleive someone can be so obnoxious! The waiter came over nervously.
"Um, I'm sure this is a terrible time... but the bill still hasn't been paid." You could tell he felt terrible about it so I held back the loud rant that was building up inside of me. His name tag said bill in sharpie, his messy handwriting in the four letters were so large they dominated the mandatory item.
"Well Bill, that's quite alright. After all of that I'm not too concerned with paying a little extra money." He looked extremely relived and I handed him my cash reluctantly. We gave each other weak smiles and he scurried off. I sighed and walked out of the restaurant where animals heads were dressed in scarves and hats scrutinizingly.

Did you know that lions fuck 50 times a day? Ballin.

This is part three to adore...

{(Adore pt. 3)}

..."Laura? Are you still awake?"

I lifted my head up, rather startled that there was a voice in my room other than my own at such a late time. I looked toward the doorway and saw a small scared looking girl with bright red and yellow hair.

"Hayley... Are you okay?"

"Um, I'm sorry but everone is already asleep and I really need to go now, and I didn't exactly know what to do and I don't have my lisence with me and I though tha...."

"Hayley, calm down, just breathe a sec. Whats the matter? You need to go where?" She made me really nervous the way she was talking so fast. She seemed really upset and there was fear in her eyes.

"I just, can you take me to the hospitol please?"

"The hospitol! Are you cut?! What happened?" I didn't realize at first that I was shouting a little loudly. Understandable because that's pretty startling unsetteling news ya know. I jumped outta bed and hurried her out of the room checking for any visible cuts on her trying to figure out what happened on the way. I grabbed the car keys off the hook and practically ran out the door with Hayley. We slammed the car shut and the wheels were in motion before either of us were tightly secure in our seats.

"Laura, slow down a little bit, ya don't wanna make it worse."

I let off the gas so that I was only speeding a few miles per hour over the speed limit. I kept glancing at her past my right shoulder trying to read her face. She was so tiny in even the small seats of my beatle. She looked like a toddler who had done something wrong and was now sitting in the corner, thinking about what they did. Her pasty sillhouette was just noticeable by the ocasional street lights flooding the car with beams of a sickly yellow.

"Ya know, you still haven't told me why we're going the ER at 2:30 in the morning."

"I'm sorry, I just didn't want to wake anybody and cause them troub-"

"Hayley, if you're hurt you can deffinately wake people up so they can take you to the hospitol. People do care about you, I'm sure they woudln't mind making sure you're okay. What even are you hurt from."

We slowly stopped to wait at a red light and I turned a bit to face her in the car. She was staring at the glove compartment, probably wondering whether or not she should tell me what the big dilema was. I stared her down and she looked me in the eyes and sighed admitting defeat. There was no way she was just gonna hide it anyway.

"I started... bleeding a little bit."

I leaned back. You're kidding me.

"Hayley, you're a girl that sorta thing hap-"

"But I'm pregnant."

I looked back at the road and concentrated on my solitude night driving. Gripping the steering wheel a little bit tighter than necessary. Neither of us said anything for the rest of the drive there. We both sat in akward, heavy silence until the car came to it's final destination. I turned back the key and slid it out of the ignition. Still not saying anything to one another we opened our doors and quickly walked through the rotating door of the ER. I looked at Hayley for the first time since she told me what was wrong. She had a few tear streaks glistening off of her cheekbones. I held her hand and she jumped. She looked at me and gave a weak smile of appreciation. At the moment it was all I could do to comfort her. We sorted out all of the minor paperwork and

88

88:>)

88

{(Reunited with Tucker.... I'm glad he still loves me.)}

Great. Laura and I are already talking about prom and now it won't get off of my mind. Why, would we do this to ourselves. Girls suuuuuuuuck. Anywayyy. Just got back from my sisters again. I've almost spent about a week there. Just stayed an extra day so I could babysit Kaden for an hour and because we went out to eat at a place called Emo's for my grandma's birthday. :) very tasty. Although they decided to give me steak instead of tofu. Silly people, I'm a vegetarian. Steak is meat. Over the weekend Laura my family and I stayed at my grandparents lakehouse. Even though the weahter was really rainy and was pretty cold for august we still had a buncy of fun. Laura and I have a new thing to add to our list of sleeping a different place everytime she sleeps over. Besides the obvious at the lake house, we slept on a trampoline. Wait, not done. It was a water trampoline... Hold on, not only was it a trampoline in the middle of a lake, it was also 2am in the morning and about 56 degrees. We cray cray. We took way too many videos of course as well as photos. We act like we're famous and people care what we're doing, but the truth is that no one really cares. So riddle me this. What becomes of 1,000's of photos and videos by two girls no one knows. The answer is nothing. I'm deciding not to rant about fame and nobodies. It'll be neverending like the stories. Yepp, it's a refference. So school starts in 7 days. Really really, not ready to go back. Physically or emotionally. I decided to try and get a job in the winter and a few weeks in the begining of summer to get some mulah. That way I can get my grades to all A's and B's so that when I work I won't fail my ass out of High School. What What! Oh my, almost forgot to tell you I had really perplexing dreams last night. Like freaking always, I was at a paramore concert with Laura. And they fucking hated me. Like pure hate. Well actually just Hayley and Jeremy hated me.

It kinda started with Laura and I way in back, just like at the actual concert but it was at the small planet. Can't see anything and trying to take way too many pictures and videos... Then a whole bunch of people cleared out. I have no idea why but they did. So of course We ran straight up to the front. Then Hayley was like, "Steafene, why are you up here?" And some dude pushed me, so I pushed him back really hard and yelled at him a bit. Then she turned to me and was all pissy and was telling me not to push people and even though he was a douche too I didn't need to be a bitch. She rolled her eyes and then said something to Josh and they started playing Misery Business. So then I lifted up my camera to take a couple photos but she looked at me and pointed to my camera and shook her head. So I agreed not wanting to further piss her off. She never came over to our side of the stage after that. Then we moved to stage left in front of Josh even though he usually plays on stage right... Zac was really really close to the edge of the stage and it was his 14 yr old version. So we chilled watching him for a bit and ignored Hayley's hate. Then Josh randomly lit a cigarette and was blowing the smoke in everone's faces. For some reason I found it really really attractive. For some reason I guess I couldn't talk that much, so I pointed to his cigarette and then to my mouth cause I wanted it. Again, idky. Anyway, he looked at me and was like, "What are you looking for?" Then he go superdy duper close and I could hear his voice, very clearly. I feel like I actually spoke to him. Next thing, he was shoving his lip ring in my face with his eyes closed. Even in my dreams I contemplate things. Lol. I was just gonna kiss his cheek and be polite and not a band slut but I full out kissed him instead... for a while... And after I saw Hayley staring at me with her mouth open and you could tell she was pissed. That made me sad, but oh well..... And even in my sleep I was thinkin, man. Wait till I tell Laura. Apparently she wasn't next to me anymore I guess. Weird eh?

So, this week I'm going shopping with my mommy on her day off work. Gonna get some hair dye cause I know what I'm doing with my hair now finally. Also, I really need a bunch of school stuff. Mainly the essentials like some pencils, and a backpack lol. Maybe we can stop at the better health store as well, get some tofu and some marshmallows without geletin to make some of my beloved fondant. I'm excited to make a really pretty cake. It's so easy to make. :) Ok, well I've got to go day dream. Blog later :))

@fandamntabulous yepp, i'm on twitter :)

So idk, but I don't really feel that good right now. So I'm looking through some photos of William Beckett which I haven't done for a year or so. I've found some really really cute ones like.....

this one for example... He has the best puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. It's something I can't resist. Oops I guess I shouldn't tell you but oh well. LOOKIT! It just makes me wanna.... Hug him and never let go. Haha, see I feel better now. You wanna know what he's looking at? Or at least my theory. He's on the internet, and he found a pair of long skinny jeans 5 sizes too small for him, but he doesn't have enough money to get them :(

Today has been mucho weird. So it started me going to Brianna's early in the morning like always. I'm over because she was nice enough to take me to a baseball game. <3 So there was this really cute guy there that was alone. Basically Taco Bell all over again. But for some reason I was super nervous just even thinking about talking to this guy. Like, really bad. It was weird cause I usually don't have trouble speaking with people. No matter their level of attractiveness. Laura encouraged me to being the nice friend she was but whatever. I was nervous, give me a break. I guess that because I annoy so many people by being "confident" or whatever you wanna say, I need some days to be super nervous so that it levels itself out? Anyway, Laura texted me a while later after that saying that Hayley Williams had posted her number on twitter. My hands really started shaking. oh well. And evertime Laura texted me my heart skipped a beat, because of course I texted the number almost right away. So kids, sometimes in life, no matter how hard you want something to be true, and no matter how hard you belive it to be, it just plain isn't true... Crazy Star Wars fans I'm looking at you. Obviously it wasn't her number. She thought that she was playing a prank on her friend that worked at a plumbing store or whatever. But really, she just broke a little girls heart. ouch. So that's why I ended up looking at like 300 pictures of William Beckett. No lie. It sincerely helps. :)

Ok more happy thoughts....

Oh, my.... Really happy thoughts. So yeah.

Now that I'm done staring. Things to look forward to:

1.) amazing dreams thanks to ----->

2.) sleep. yum.

3.) Get to see people thursday, for a horrible reason but whatever. positive.

4.) Laura and I are about to go on vacation with Brianna and Carly to my grandparents lakehouse and it's going to be amazingly fun. :) Night.

Alright, there should be a part about my baseball game, I'll just explain later it doesn't wanna let me post it :(

Fast Times at Brianna's house...

Talking with Laura on aim about live chats and such. So Laura came over to spend the night at Brianna's house last night since I had to babysit once more. No matter where we are we have fun. We watched the Final Riot! and tried to ignore my really drunk and high sisters singing very loudly to the songs that we waited about 3-4 hours to hear. Either way it was awesome, I've been meaning for Laura to watch it cause now that we've FINALLY seen them live it's so much more amazing to watch the dvd. And plus she's a bit infatuated with a certain guitarist.... And now that she gave me the link... operation make laura faint is in full speed.

Haha, you're never gonna stop seeing this photo... and others. Anyway... So David Dalen being the ham that he is.... Was doing a live chat while Laura was over and we watched it cause we were bored. Anyway. I decided to repeatedly call him on *67 because like I said, we were bored. So it just proved that you really don't have to do anything to be famous. I wondered why so many people cared about him when I know him and he's really not like the most fantastic person on the face of the planet. He's cool, but not as cool as jesus. Anyway, he put my phone number up on his screen thinking he was being cool and "getting me back" But I love talking to people and his point was to piss me off which it didn't so..... People kept calling me and texting me, and they agree that david is in a freaking glass closet and that even though I dooo sorta sound like I had a sex change (thanks you very much Hazel) that I don't suck and I have a life. According to David I don't. All he did that day was surf and apparently my hanging out with friends all day, babysitting, and band practice isn't fullfilling. Oh and I have no friends. Just recapping to show you guys how little he knows. So Laura and I decided that we are going to have a live chat next time I'm at her house because we're more entertaining than him. We're going to steal his fans, have ppl call and annoy him and it's gonna be super fun. We need ideas though for what to do. All we have so far is that, and I'm gonna be "sex change" Steafene. Wow, my parents suck, I just spelled my own name wrong. hahha.

One of my best friends Lena moved to Florida just recently. This not only sucks for the obvious, but her Hilena and I started a band last year and haven't really gotten a chance to really do anything with it. But the connection that I have with Hilena is nothing like what happens when we all get together. I was reminded because she was able to come back into town for a couple of days for her cousins wedding. So of course she called the both of us and we went to our usual spots downtown and played music and caught up. It was hard having to say goodbye again but it was completely worth it. She brought her new guitar which I love. Not sure what model it was but it was a really nice brand new epiphone. Anyway, we had so much fun downtown. She showed us her new song she's been working on and like always it's amazing. She has a real talent for writing songs. No joke. I'm excited to see what she does with the future and hopefully she finds some great people to play with where she lives. I'm sad that my musical sole mates can't stay together, but it's a musical break up I guess. Plenty more pickups in the guitar store? Bad analogy. Oh, and they're a bit shy, and when we went to taco bell Hilena kept pointing out this guy that was rather attractive. And that's all she did. So I asked him if he wanted to sit with us because he looked VERY alone. He said yes because he turned out to be a really friendly guy, but I don't know if it was more fun meeting him or watching their faces go from "awe cute" to "HOLY SHIT! I have nothing to say." Very funny, they almost forgot to introduce themselves. I think that Lena died when he won her a free burrito. Haha. Good times. But were really stupid, we should've invited him to a show or something cause now.... we're never going to see pre med school student Carmen? or whatever his name was. We'll deal even though he was the epitome of hot.

So when Laura was over we stayed up till almost dawn like always but we slept in Carly's room. I was just talking about how freaky things happen to me in the hour of 3 am, and Like maybe 20 minutes past the window treatments in her room moved like a whole bunch and then her door opened. We both were like... uh, we'll say that the window is probably open and that the door wasn't fully closed. But we both knew it wasn't and in the morning we saw that the window was securly shut. WTF??? So freaky. Way to prove me right ghosts. I'm sorry if I freaked you out really bad too Carly by telling you that. I forget that you kinda get scared easily. If it makes you feel better you can just go with my dad's theory that really doesn't make sense cause he's a skeptic.... Ok, I'm about to rant about nothing even more so than already and sound like David so I'm gonna finally try and finish some more of Laura's story which I'm failing at.


Does this make anyone else heartbroken? If the answer is yes it's about to get worse. We all know Shaant is a complete and total arse. And a bit of an alcoholic from time to time.... or all the time. But for some reason we still love him. Seriously. But because of these facts, Cute is what we aim for has finally broken up. It was obviously coming from all the arguments and band member changes. But it still hurts. I'm so glad that Laura and I got to go see them at the small planet now. I will forever love you CIWWAF and I hope that all the members do well for themselves, Jeff, do good in college and Shaant, quit drinking.

{(Adore part 2)} It's just a whore hoard.

I was so busy writing that super long post I didn't write the next chapter in Laura's secret life... It would have made the last post extra ridiculous anyway. So here goes... What will happen to Laura in chapter 2?

She carefully unfolded the small paper. The excitement was rising. Anyone would expect it to be a number. So was she so wrong for thinking so? Her fingers shook a little, slowly peeling back the last fold wanting to see his carefully written numbers on it. Maybe a nice little call me or something guys tend to do. Her face dropped. The disappointment was almost unbearable. Instead of the wonderful numbers that SHOULD be written upon the paper, were just too inadequate words.

Hope to see you soon.

Who would write that? That's pretty much the worst thing that could be on there. Hope to see you soon? Well maybe, that would be a tad bit easier if I had your number... Ugh, how frustrating. Well, maybe this wonderful person just wasn't mean to be in my life. I could feel my purse vibrating from my phone. It pulled me out of a contemplative daze. Oh shoot. I forgot to call Steafene telling her that I was going to be late. Hopefully she would understand. In fact she would probably be so ecstatic about my day so far that she wouldn't even notice that I was late for our outing.

"Where are you?!" Steafene screamed into the phone, clearly over stimulated by the fun she was surrounded by. I instinctively jerked my head a couple inches away from my ear and that much further from my precious ear drum.

"I... Got held up. I have something to tell you later, but it didn't exactly end the way I had planned." I almost regretted telling her. She might just flip out and try to get more information that there really was.

"Sweet! I have super excited news also. But you gotta wait till tonight to find that out." Hmm. Something about her and William? Who knows, always something.

"Ok, well you need to get your little blond but over here. I just started making the veggie burgers and we're about to grill them. You're missing out on the fun."

"Alright, I'm on my way, save a garden burger for me will you?"

"Sure thing. See ya."

"Bye."

She hastily hung up the phone and I threw it back into my bag. I hurried out of the Starbucks and started walking home. I was so deep in thought that the hustle and bustle of Chicago left me unphased. My mind went of in a tangent of beautiful daydreams as my feet carried the rest of me in the direction they had memorized so well. Before I could completely end my thoughts I could start hearing loud music and loud talking. I didn't even bother going through the front door and just walked to the wooden fence on the left hand side of the house. I lifted up the black metal latch and pushed my way through. The sounds grew louder and now I could hear the movement of water. I walked at a comfortable pace through the grass and garden of my back yard headed for the pool.

"Hey, Laura's finally home!" I was greeted warmly by about ten friends.

"Hey guys, sorry I was late. I got held up at the Starbucks."

I spotted Steafene. She walked over from the grill and gave me a hug.

"So on the phone.... you mentioned you had something to share about exactly why you spent forever getting your soy whatever."

Ugh, I kinda hoped she had forgotten.

"Well, it was... this guy. Our drinks got mixed up because he ordered just about the exact thing. I had forgotten my wallet at home and so he was really nice and paid for my drink. But he wouldn't let me leave and wanted me to sit with him for a while. He was really cute so I wasn't really that opposed to it."

"That.... is awesome!" She reacted just about how I expected. Too excited to be mad.

"Yeah, all I know is his name though... It's Josh. He gave me this piece of paper but nothing really exciting. Just very curious." I handed her the piece of paper with Josh's neat hand writing on it. I watched her face turn from excited to inquisitive.

"I don't understand why he didn't give you his number or anything like that though. It seems really odd."

"I know, I wasn't really expecting that and I'm probably not going to see him again. He was a musician on tour so let's not make a big deal out of it."

"Wait! Are you talking about Josh Farro?? You seriously had coffee with freaking Josh Farro?"

"Y-yeah. How'd you figure that out!?" She caught me by surprise with her accurate assumption.

"Well, because they're in Chicago right now. More importantly, why are you not freaking out?!? He hopes to see you.......soon."

"Well, I didn't want to get over excited. Like I said, they're touring and I have no way of contacting him." It made myself a little sad. This dream of a reality was finally hitting me. Why didn't I just ask for a number or an e-mail or something.

"How can you be so sure that you're not going to see him again?"

"What am I supposed to do, stalk him at a paramore show and try to explain to the bouncers how I had coffee with him one day and I need to talk to him? Not going to happen."

She just sighed and half chuckled. She was acting a little funny. Then I remembered.

"You said that you had news to tell me as well?"

"That, my dear you will have to wait for tonight to find out about." She winked at me. At least I knew it couldn't be bad. She wouldn't wait to give us all bad news at the show tonight. It'd be pointless. I started to get a little anxious. Who knows what she has planned up her sleeves this time."

"....So I had to just tell her, look babe. It doesn't know the difference between sex time and next time. You can't just do that to me." I could hear our friend William saying to a group of guy friends perched on the mahogany banisters of the porch next to the pool.

"Oh.... my god. He thinks just because he made up a clever little rhyme that he can tell stupid stories like that. Maybe we should go try and keep the guys in order a bit?" Suggested Steafene with a bit of an aggravated look upon her face.

"Sounds like a good idea to me." I said trying not to laugh really hard at Bill spilling unwanted facts about his love life.

We sat around for a couple hours talking about random things, making fun of Steafene and William. Swimming in the pool was so much fun and it was really relaxing. Soaking up the last few rays that would exist befor the cold season of norther america hit. Not after long someone announced that it was time to head to the show. Everyone dispersed to do their own thing. The guys of course were ready about as soon as they changed out of their bathing suits while Steafene, her sister and I fought over who would be the first to take a shower. Eventually everything was settled and in a surprisingly short amount of time we were allmost ready to go. The boys bitched at us form the living room.

"We're going to be late because you ladies can't decide what fucking colour to put on your eyes."

"We're not going to be late. Steafene was starting to get upset from the ongoing distractions. Besides, it doesn't even matter if you guys are late or not. One, you're not even paying to go to the show and two, I don't want a reputation of going on stage looking like shit. So let me take an extra five minutes on my hair and makeup and we'll go. We'll let Brianna drive and I promiss you we'll be there on time."

"She's right you know, I've been driving like a maniac since before were born Will." Brianna piped in amused by the battle of the sexes argument.

"I'm the same age as you." Bill said defensively.

Sure enough, Brianna drove us like a maniac through the steets of downtown Chicago and got us to the venue alive thank God. We made it well enough in time for sound check. The headliner band already ran through sound check by the time we got there and Bill's band and Steafene's band ran through their set lists and got all their tuning out of the way. The kids started pouring in and finding the spots that they wanted and talking to the bands. Bill and Steafene's tour manager Dave called for them to go back stage. normally we go back with them but Steafene wouldn't allow it. Apparently it ruined the surprise she had in line. Our three other roomates and I stood in the back of the crowd by the bar to allow the fans better spots. Steafene's band was first, they're still pretty new so there were only about 6 people singing to the songs but by the end of the set everyone seemed to be having fun. We got our nightly shoutout and she introduced the academy is... onto the stage.

"And this is my boyfriend so back off ladies!" She said jokingly but you could tell she was mostly being serious.

They played their set and almost everybody sang along to the songs. Steafene and her bandmates came to the back to join us.

"I'm so excited for you to see!" She wouldn't stop smirking. I was actually getting really excited. TAI ended their set and everyone screamed like crazy.

"Alright, well brace yourself..."She hurried off back to the stage and hopped on.

"Thank you guys. And now we have a very special surprise for you. Are you guys ready?"

More screams

Both Mikes of TAI started playing Misery Business by paramore. Was this seriously it? Like a paramore cover is awesome but I don't think it was worth all the hype.

Everyone cheered and danced along to the music. I looked down to check the time on my phone and the crowd exploded in a cacophany. I looked up and Josh Farro was standing on stage. Playing the solo with all of my friends. Then out of no where Hayley Williams popped out on stage and she and Steafene shared the mic blaring their country vocals. They were harmonizing..... THEY PLANNED THIS!!! This was very worthy of the surprise. I was so overcome with excitment that I couldn't help but cheer with everyone else. They ended the song with a punch and everyone went absolutely nuts.

"Josh and Hayley from Paramore everyone." said Steafene waving her arm at the two musicians. Screaming.

"What do you guys think of the surprise eh? One hell of an encore if I do say myself." Bill egged on the crowd. "Our friends from fueled by ramen informed us that they had a day off their tour and we invited them out to give you guys a little extra something to smile about. So you guys were great tonight and I hope that you come and say hi."

Everyone on stage began to depart. A few of the musicians left. But Bill, the butcher, sisky, Steaf, Hayley and Josh stayed behind to meet fans and sign a few autographs. Josh eventually made his way over to me. I had no idea what to say.

"Well well. Miss soy, we meet again."

"Indeed. It's a wonder though considering you left me no way of contacting you."

"Bitter just like the coffee that brought us together. It's cause I knew we were playing this show. Steafene's told me about you."

He smirked and I shot a look at her. She glared at josh and shook her head then turned back to talk with bill and keep his fan girl a good distance away from him.

"So... It sounds like She hasn't really fully informed you on what's up huh?"

"Clearly. Wait.... hasn't? What else is there?"

"I supose I'm really not suppsed to tell you but... She and William offered us a place to sleep. You all live together?"

"Um yeah, you're, staying with us tonight?"

"Well actually a few nights. I hope you don't mind."

"Oh no, really it's just I'm more worried about the sleeping arrangements than anything else."

2:00 am that night

They ended up sleeping in our livng room. Josh on the floor and Hayley on the sofa. Now my mind really couldn't sort out all the thoughts. I had said goodnight to Steafene and bill and promissed Her that I would talk with her about her secrets but amazing decisions in the morning. I left their room and could hear Josh and Hayley talking, half asleep. I decided not to bother them and decided to just go lay down. I was drifting into a deep sleep and dreams started to flood my mind. I was sharply pulled to reality when I heard my doorknob turning... the door opened and I heard two soft footsteps on my carpet.

"Laura?"

{(Hypnotized by fireflies that glow in the dark)}

There, are you a little less mad at me no doubt? I quoated tragic kingdom, one of the best songs in the entire world. I really do love you guys, I promiss.

So I'm pretty deep in though right now. Listening to some brand new and whatever else is on my itunes. Can you belive that I have 71 paramore songs and counting? I'm missing about five songs that were never released on a cd a couple that were and then I'm gonna add 11+ when brand new eyes comes out. That's.... 88 songs and there's extra on the cd that I bought..... snap. Today was a day that took me quite a long time to fully appreciate. Hopefully that doesn't make me sound depressed because I'm not thank god. But I woke up realizing that lately I've been quite a bitch to a few people near and dear to me. I've been so sneaky in this that they don't even realize what I've been doing and I feel absolutly awful about it. I was being completely selfish in my own wants and sentiments that I really just wouldn't open my eyes to the fact that they need me to be a different person for them. It's not even a life long change, just a few more months or so of consideration so I don't understand why I hadn't just appeased them. I'm usually not a very religious person for a few reasons. I don't know exactly what I belive in though... I think few people do. This goes beyond knowing what specific group you "belong" in or what you've been told and have been saying for years but really KNOWING what you belive in. Taking the time to think about every possibility or thought anyone has every had or that you can think up on your own and deciphering it. Finding out how you emotionally react to this idea, what it means, and if you think that it's possible. And I think religion is one of the reasons that really parted me from these people lately. See these are people that a certain someone I know reffers to as "Hardcore Christians" These are the type of people that are NOT respectful towards others' opinions and ideas. They judge you based on every aspect of your life and if you don't comply, you're a devil worshiper. These persons have been telling me all the things I'm doing wrong with my life pretty much all my life. And I realized after a while... that I'm a teenager. I really don't need people I love telling me how everything I love is gonna buy me a ticket to hell. I really have enough to deal with learning about what kind of person I am and coping with the fact that 40% of the world will suck shit and learning how to block all of that out to concentrate on all the positive things. I wish so badly, that I could share my life with these people because I love them so much. But there's no way that this could ever happen. What if one day I decide to bring home a girlfriend that I love very dearly and they can't get past our differences to care about my feelings. But then again I haven't been very competant towards their wants and needs. So, in a way do I really deserve their approval of my "choices" or of my "distorted ways"? The answer is... no. No one really deserves any of that. We all make mistakes and we all hurt each other, but it's up to us to be the better person and make the effort to make them as comftorable as possible as long as it harms no one else. We may not deserve approval, and comfort. But if it affects us so badly, why shouldn't we get past ourselves to accomadate for others around us? If we are to truely try and make this world a better place, we have to put our minds beyond all of our drama and he said she said. Clearly as I admitted earlier in this post, I'm deffinately not calling myself perfect, or even good at being selfless and caring 100% of the time. But I really needed to say this, because perhaps someone else is dealing with the same thing. It's very likely and perhaps they're not dealing with things as well as could be handled. And I would love to give them something to think about. Differences shouldn't make us become so seperate from any human being who hasn't really done any harm. So in light of this conversation, or post rather I'm wearing a new shirt I just got that says "peace on earth" I realized I needed to wear it today so that everytime I saw what I was wearing I would remember that the negative thoughts I was having today about multiple reasons were completely unescessary and I needed to enjoy my life everyday for what it is which is a miracle. Also, I do NOT hate christians if any of you are getting that vibe from me. Really I don't. I was prodistant at one point in my life. I still have a majority of those values and beliefs with me today and I feel I will never let them go. I just don't feel that people should go around critisizing every move another human being makes day to day. For instance, I'm going to listen to music that wasn't recorded in a church. Most of the band that I listen to are the exact same religions as them, just not as diehard and rude I hope. But they ARE NOT the devil to any extent. I WILL keep reading books that teach me things and are enjoyable. And I most deffinatly WILL be wearing makeup of unatural non-neutural tones, dying my hair odd colours, wearing pants, singin, playing in bands, getting piercings, and tattooing my body. Sorry. But really, we worship the same god. How bad of a person could I really be?

Wow, I really didnt' realize how badly that upset me until I got the chance to really write it all out. I'm truely sorry for how I behaved and I'm asking for forgiveness tonight. My emotions were pretty tense today though cause I still feel like I'm doing nothing with my life and that I'm incapable of accomplishment currently. Like seriously the most exciting part of my day was...... well laundry? Music... going nowhere I'm getting worse everyday I can't practice and I don't have my vocal coach. School is gonna fucking suck and I need to pull money staright outta my you know what so that I can enjoy my last full awesome summer with laura before she leaves and I miss her like crazy. And I'm awful at writing songs without my band buddy here. Seriously my creativity is null wihtout her. We've clicked since the first day she asked me to play with her band. Seriously, I've never met people that I could learn an entire set list with in 5 or less practices in and play as good as we did for a debut. It was a pleasant surprise and now it's hard to widen my horizons. Seriously, Helina I love you. I need to work soo hard this year at doing well in everything. It's gonna be hard but hey, I only have 2 more years of high school left, then it's off to Douglas J the aveda institute to stuff my brain with knowlegde I will love and need. I really don't know what my plans are, but I want to go to this school so badly. It's in my town. Well hopefully, I get an appartment with my sister and our friend Carly there until my schooling is up. Then our plans as a group are to move to chicago for a while, sharing rent and working. I could take the Illinois barbering test, get my degree and find a salon near by which won't be too hard in Chicago. There's so many positives to this. It's NOT Michigan which already has my heart. Also there's a huge music scene there. Apparently it's really hard to get recognized there but either I'll be done with it after a few years and it won't really have anything ot offer me, or it really will and I'll find some amazing people there. So if it doesn't I really want to move to my beloved hometown that stays forever in my heart. Franklin TN. My goal is to move and live here eventually. Not necessary to move right after high school but that'd be tight. That's one direction, probably the most likely, taking the Chicago route. But then another very desireable route, would be to move to the UK with Laura. We already know that we could live together without killing each other. Plus who wouldn't want to do music in the UK? Only problem besides the money and the distance, is that I really want to do music in the US so that the work of crossing over seas wouldn't be there in what feel backwards to me. And My smaller dream of living in Franklin would probably never come to fruition. It's already gonna suck trying to be a musician when the music world is going through one of it's spurts of change and difficulty and there's so many small bands trying to make their way to the big leagues let alone being in a new place. I've studied the music industry here for my entire life. I'd have to make new plans at the snap of my finger. That doesn't sound fun. So anyways.... after venting my thoughts a great deal finally but not yet to the full extent which I'm not going to do for it'd be far too long a post, I feel much better. Way more relaxed, and hopeful for the future. :)

{(When repetitions ends, we'll star over)}

So since all my day consisted of really was cleaning and listening to music, I don't have much to write about. So Instead Laura and I were talking about how we're obsessed with writing stories. Problem is we never seem to finish them. Anyway, I'm making Laura her very own story as of today and I'll try to write it in chapters. It's gonna be a paramore fan fic obviously.

{{Adore}}

pt 1.

She pushed a lock of bright blond hair out of her eyes. Growing impatient from the never ending line of customers she exhaled. Slowly, person by person was cleared out of the Starbucks. She walked up to the cashier.

"Hi, how may I help you today?"

She hoped that this bubbly teenage girl would be able to take such a complicated order. According to her name tag it was her first day of work.

"Hi, I'd like a grande double pump vanilla single soy iced white chocolate mocha with whip and caramel sauce please."

"A, a what?"

She exhaled again preparing to rattle off the order once more. This happened often, but the coffee was well worth the confusion.

"A grande double pump vanilla single soy iced white chocolate mocha with whip cream and caramel sauce." She said making sure to carefully say each worth clear and audible.

She sat down at a nearby table and waited for her name to be called.

"....Laura?"

She gave an nod at the worker letting her know it was her coffee. She went up to the counter and looked down, but the coffee was missing the whip cream. She didn't want to be a bother so she was about to let it be since they were so busy today. But before she could begin to look for her wallet she heard someone speaking.

"I believe that we may have each other's coffee."

She spun around to see a tall handsome man behind her holding her coffee.

"I heard you ordering and we got the same thing only mine came without whip cream."

He smiled at her with a devilish smirk.

She really couldn't think of anything to say. She was so awe struck.

Coming hard back down to reality she remembered her human ability and spoke.

"Oh, here..."

She handed the coffee to the stranger.

Unbelievable, someone else really ordered this coffee? How is that possible, it's so specific?

"That'll be $3.75. Miss."

She whirled back around and remembered that she hadn't paid yet.

"OH! right."

She dug around in her bag for her wallet but to her surprise it wasn't there. She double checked everything. Frantically checking her pockets and looking back at the table she had sat at.

"Um... I think that I left it at home..."

"Did you now?" said the man.

He handed the girl a ten dollar bill.

"I'll be handling the check then." his voice was smooth.

"Oh, really you don't have to..."

"No it's alright. Besides there's a catch. You don't think that I'm about to just pay for you drink and let you be on your way do you?"

"Well I..."

"Right, so where are we going to sit?"

He scanned the room for an empty table. She wondered if she should amuse him or not. He walked over to a small table with two seats next to a window that outlooked a flower bed.

"Well...? I did buy you a drink first." he chuckled amused at his small joke.

She reluctantly walked away from the counter and headed towards the table. He did buy her coffee, she could at least talk to him for a few minutes. Plus he was absolutely gorgeous.

They sat in silence for a few moments gently sipping their coffee. She was contemplating just up and leaving but she couldn't get enough of staring at him while he thought of something to say. Each second that went by she noticed something else about him that struck something in her. It could've been his deep chocolate hair, or the olive tone to his skin or maybe a combination of both, but she struggled to tear her eyes from his body.

"So um, I couldn't help but notice you have a bit of an accent?" he implied she should elaborate on this fact.

"Yeah, I'm actually from London. My family moved here about 6 years ago."

"That's really cool. My band have toured in the UK, it's really one of my favourite spots."

(He's in a band too??)

"Yeah? What kinda band are you in?"

"We're called Paramore, ever heard of us?"

"Hah! you have no idea, my friend Steafene is obsessed with your band. I bet she'd flip if she knew where I was right now."

"Oh, so are you a fan too?" she could hear a slight of regret in his voice. His dark puppy dog eyes looked expecting.

"Well, I wouldn't call myself a super fan, but I do enjoy the music. In fact, I went to a concert with her once back in high school."

He almost looked relieved.

"So what instrument do you play?" She was becoming much more interested now.

"I play guitar and do some backup singing."

"That's cool. I try and play a little guitar here and there but I don't tend to sing that often." I laughed at the memories of my friend Steafene begging me to sing for her.

"SWEET! I could..." He was cut off by a loud ringing. He dug into his pocket and pulled out an iphone. He apologized for cutting into the conversation and answered his phone.

"Hello? yeah, I'm at the Starbucks. SORRY! I lost track of time. I'm on my way!"

He quickly put his phone back into his jeans and stood up.

"I'm sorry, we'll have to end this a little prematurely. I'm late for bus call and my band kinda freaked out. But I had fun talking with you....."

"Laura." She said.

"...Laura. I'm Josh. It was nice meeting you." He smiled and shook her hand. The touch made her shiver. She had barely just met him but she wanted more.

"It was nice meeting you too Josh."

It was upsetting to watch him walk out of the store, turn a corner and disappear out of sight. After a few moments of trying to grasps what had just happened, she noticed something different. There was a small piece of paper in her hand. Josh had slipped it to her so slyly she hadn't noticed.

The excitement rose as she opened the tiny folded paper to see what was written."

So that was part one. Not too interesting yet, but I'm not the best writer lol. So, stay tuned for part two of adore.