{(Hypnotized by fireflies that glow in the dark)}

There, are you a little less mad at me no doubt? I quoated tragic kingdom, one of the best songs in the entire world. I really do love you guys, I promiss.

So I'm pretty deep in though right now. Listening to some brand new and whatever else is on my itunes. Can you belive that I have 71 paramore songs and counting? I'm missing about five songs that were never released on a cd a couple that were and then I'm gonna add 11+ when brand new eyes comes out. That's.... 88 songs and there's extra on the cd that I bought..... snap. Today was a day that took me quite a long time to fully appreciate. Hopefully that doesn't make me sound depressed because I'm not thank god. But I woke up realizing that lately I've been quite a bitch to a few people near and dear to me. I've been so sneaky in this that they don't even realize what I've been doing and I feel absolutly awful about it. I was being completely selfish in my own wants and sentiments that I really just wouldn't open my eyes to the fact that they need me to be a different person for them. It's not even a life long change, just a few more months or so of consideration so I don't understand why I hadn't just appeased them. I'm usually not a very religious person for a few reasons. I don't know exactly what I belive in though... I think few people do. This goes beyond knowing what specific group you "belong" in or what you've been told and have been saying for years but really KNOWING what you belive in. Taking the time to think about every possibility or thought anyone has every had or that you can think up on your own and deciphering it. Finding out how you emotionally react to this idea, what it means, and if you think that it's possible. And I think religion is one of the reasons that really parted me from these people lately. See these are people that a certain someone I know reffers to as "Hardcore Christians" These are the type of people that are NOT respectful towards others' opinions and ideas. They judge you based on every aspect of your life and if you don't comply, you're a devil worshiper. These persons have been telling me all the things I'm doing wrong with my life pretty much all my life. And I realized after a while... that I'm a teenager. I really don't need people I love telling me how everything I love is gonna buy me a ticket to hell. I really have enough to deal with learning about what kind of person I am and coping with the fact that 40% of the world will suck shit and learning how to block all of that out to concentrate on all the positive things. I wish so badly, that I could share my life with these people because I love them so much. But there's no way that this could ever happen. What if one day I decide to bring home a girlfriend that I love very dearly and they can't get past our differences to care about my feelings. But then again I haven't been very competant towards their wants and needs. So, in a way do I really deserve their approval of my "choices" or of my "distorted ways"? The answer is... no. No one really deserves any of that. We all make mistakes and we all hurt each other, but it's up to us to be the better person and make the effort to make them as comftorable as possible as long as it harms no one else. We may not deserve approval, and comfort. But if it affects us so badly, why shouldn't we get past ourselves to accomadate for others around us? If we are to truely try and make this world a better place, we have to put our minds beyond all of our drama and he said she said. Clearly as I admitted earlier in this post, I'm deffinately not calling myself perfect, or even good at being selfless and caring 100% of the time. But I really needed to say this, because perhaps someone else is dealing with the same thing. It's very likely and perhaps they're not dealing with things as well as could be handled. And I would love to give them something to think about. Differences shouldn't make us become so seperate from any human being who hasn't really done any harm. So in light of this conversation, or post rather I'm wearing a new shirt I just got that says "peace on earth" I realized I needed to wear it today so that everytime I saw what I was wearing I would remember that the negative thoughts I was having today about multiple reasons were completely unescessary and I needed to enjoy my life everyday for what it is which is a miracle. Also, I do NOT hate christians if any of you are getting that vibe from me. Really I don't. I was prodistant at one point in my life. I still have a majority of those values and beliefs with me today and I feel I will never let them go. I just don't feel that people should go around critisizing every move another human being makes day to day. For instance, I'm going to listen to music that wasn't recorded in a church. Most of the band that I listen to are the exact same religions as them, just not as diehard and rude I hope. But they ARE NOT the devil to any extent. I WILL keep reading books that teach me things and are enjoyable. And I most deffinatly WILL be wearing makeup of unatural non-neutural tones, dying my hair odd colours, wearing pants, singin, playing in bands, getting piercings, and tattooing my body. Sorry. But really, we worship the same god. How bad of a person could I really be?

Wow, I really didnt' realize how badly that upset me until I got the chance to really write it all out. I'm truely sorry for how I behaved and I'm asking for forgiveness tonight. My emotions were pretty tense today though cause I still feel like I'm doing nothing with my life and that I'm incapable of accomplishment currently. Like seriously the most exciting part of my day was...... well laundry? Music... going nowhere I'm getting worse everyday I can't practice and I don't have my vocal coach. School is gonna fucking suck and I need to pull money staright outta my you know what so that I can enjoy my last full awesome summer with laura before she leaves and I miss her like crazy. And I'm awful at writing songs without my band buddy here. Seriously my creativity is null wihtout her. We've clicked since the first day she asked me to play with her band. Seriously, I've never met people that I could learn an entire set list with in 5 or less practices in and play as good as we did for a debut. It was a pleasant surprise and now it's hard to widen my horizons. Seriously, Helina I love you. I need to work soo hard this year at doing well in everything. It's gonna be hard but hey, I only have 2 more years of high school left, then it's off to Douglas J the aveda institute to stuff my brain with knowlegde I will love and need. I really don't know what my plans are, but I want to go to this school so badly. It's in my town. Well hopefully, I get an appartment with my sister and our friend Carly there until my schooling is up. Then our plans as a group are to move to chicago for a while, sharing rent and working. I could take the Illinois barbering test, get my degree and find a salon near by which won't be too hard in Chicago. There's so many positives to this. It's NOT Michigan which already has my heart. Also there's a huge music scene there. Apparently it's really hard to get recognized there but either I'll be done with it after a few years and it won't really have anything ot offer me, or it really will and I'll find some amazing people there. So if it doesn't I really want to move to my beloved hometown that stays forever in my heart. Franklin TN. My goal is to move and live here eventually. Not necessary to move right after high school but that'd be tight. That's one direction, probably the most likely, taking the Chicago route. But then another very desireable route, would be to move to the UK with Laura. We already know that we could live together without killing each other. Plus who wouldn't want to do music in the UK? Only problem besides the money and the distance, is that I really want to do music in the US so that the work of crossing over seas wouldn't be there in what feel backwards to me. And My smaller dream of living in Franklin would probably never come to fruition. It's already gonna suck trying to be a musician when the music world is going through one of it's spurts of change and difficulty and there's so many small bands trying to make their way to the big leagues let alone being in a new place. I've studied the music industry here for my entire life. I'd have to make new plans at the snap of my finger. That doesn't sound fun. So anyways.... after venting my thoughts a great deal finally but not yet to the full extent which I'm not going to do for it'd be far too long a post, I feel much better. Way more relaxed, and hopeful for the future. :)